I have longed for something more than just reality for quite a while now. I have wished that one day I just wouldn’t wake up… and that one day I could just have my mind set free. I don’t think things will happen this way.
I have wondered how I could go out, how I could end it all in the most painless way possible. It’s impossible, I won’t be able to. I fear the idea of ‘nothing’. And even though I get to the point of fear not being an issue, I couldn’t hurt my mum in that way. She’s given me all the love in the world.
My mum, and my family are my reasons for staying. I will always rather suffer, over them being upset. I will always hate their sadness more than whatever it may be that I go through.
But it’s hard, to be a prisoner of life.
I don’t feel like I belong here, and I never have. I have become more aware than any-one-person should be. I fear everything. I question everything. I imagine everything, in different ways. I could live life here, but it the way it’s going, I would rather be a lone forever. I would rather be alone than to try and fail once again. But No!!! I decide to find out someone not better but fit for understanding me as I am.
Even if that means I don’t see my friends, it doesn’t bother me as much as failing once more. But I am not strong enough, to not try. I always have a feeling of hope, which eventually shatters, and which then pulls me down even further than before.
I just don’t want to hurt anymore… I just want to be happy… I want you to come up to me, and try to get to know me… That’s all I want, it’s all I have ever wanted.
But I have been alienated by everyone I come into contact with. Even the people I consider my friends treat me as if I am useless.It’s horrible, and I don’t want to stick through any of this torment any more.