My Notes 2013

Image by © Mark Downey
Image by © Mark Downey

3.50 pm–> i’m still in my office and see there’s no one in my surrounded. Sometimes I’d rather claw my own eyes out then sit down and start working. Upps I almost forget to update this blog recently. After marriage, i have no spirit to write any story behind. You might think this is because I have some faceless soulless factory job. Or that I’m merely a cog in the corporate machine but I’m not. It’s the 31th December 2013, also known as the End of year 2013. Almost 8 hours left people in the world will celebrate the new year of 2014.

Until now I don’t have any resolution for 2014 like the previous years. But in 2013 a ton of story has changed me. I’m not sure what motivated me, except fear. I rationalized my bitterness, putting up a front that I was perfectly content living alone, being alone, staying alone. Truth is, I was lonely, bitter, and destined to stay that way. Then one day, I decided to make a change. I began to look for a wife. Now I’m married and try to make my future more happy than never!

What do you do when life taps you on the shoulder and says, “Hey! Guess what? You need to make new plans.” A relationship ends, job loss, car accident, natural disaster. War, famine, pestilence. Okay, maybe not pestilence but you could get stuck in traffic and miss your flight. How do you deal with all that life sends your way? Then I started to setting my goals, i wrote down a bunch of stuff in April for what I wanted my 2013 year to be. That included starting my business, and taking 3 months off in 2013. I did just that — and what was more impressive is that a whole lot more happened in 2013 than I had imagined. It grew organically.

When life changes, we can find new things to appreciate. One of my best days in the past few months was crutching to a park bench so I could eat lunch sitting in the sun. Remember to appreciate life, even normal ordinary everyday activities, because it can all change in an instant.

I wondered if I would ever be able to complete some of the dreams I had carried with me for decades. So many things had happened to me. I experienced dump, abuse and trauma. In 2012 I had the worst year of my life. At that time I was searching for happiness and had no idea where to find it. But I worked very hard to recover. Until I stopped to find happiness. These events changed me, but I grew as a person and changed my life. I eventually married a wonderful woman.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I don’t have anything against “problems”, because they allow us to grow like nothing else. But, you could also look at “problems” as exciting challenges and that’s of course an entirely different energy, which will create entirely different circumstances in your life.

I have looking to move forward on from trauma. I remember when I was child. Growing up I was always a very awkward looking child. Average tall, skinny and rather introverted, I lacked confidence and self-belief, especially in the classroom where my grades were certainly below average.  I was going to be alone, an outsider; I was going to be the immigrant in all of my classes. If the life changes experienced through adolescence weren’t grueling enough. I was a very shy child. I still remember that I would regularly hide behind my Mother’s long dress whenever she stopped to talk to people on the way to school. I still don’t quite know what I was hiding from, perhaps the possible embarrassment of being talked to by one of my Mother’s friends.

Image by © ML Harris
Image by © ML Harris

Despite being a rather awkward looking child I had a passion from a young age. That passion was sport and adventure. I would try almost any sport and love to explore my city alone by myself. I particularly loved running and I would literally run everywhere I could. I ran my first kilometre when I was in Grade five. I hated it. The feeling I got from exercising was like nothing else.  I was a fast runner and when I got the ball my long legs made it hard for others to catch up with me. In 2013 I tried to do some journey by hiking some mountains, visiting many places and do running in each week and join run race events that particulary has been trending at this moment. It gives me some pleasures to move forward on and forget my past.

Some people turn to alcohol or drugs when they are stressed out of their minds; I just run.  I never ran during times of calm, though.  I never felt the need to run when I got married. I didn’t lace up my sneakers and go for a run.  I just walked and ate healthier and lost the weight that way.  For a long time, while life was good, I didn’t run at all. That all changed the August of 2012.  That was when I started running kilometres to save my life.

Image by © Michael Reh
Image by © Michael Reh

But running gives me so much more than that.  It clears my mind that seems intent on spinning and obsessing over things I can’t control.   I feel stronger after a run; I don’t think I’m very strong, but running seems to at least make me feel as if I am.   It gives me a great outlet for the anger that seems to come out of nowhere these days.  Pounding the pavement in rage is much better than smashing dishes in the kitchen.

I do not know how to move forward in this new life I find myself in.  I don’t like this new world all that much.  The colours are not as bright, My taste buds are dulled.  I don’t smile the way I used to.  I don’t quite understand this world without my partner in it.  There are many times throughout the day when I don’t want to move forward…because doing that takes me further away from my past.  I have yet to figure out how to move forward in my life and take my past with me in a way that honours my past memory and my life together but still allows me to live.

To save all my journey and thought. I began to write in a blog. It held my secrets, like which boy I had my eye on that week. At the time I thought it held my heart. It didn’t. In fact, it was more of a general account of my day-to-day activities rather than a revelation of anything deeply personal. Consequently my love affair with my journal didn’t last too long. My life wasn’t interesting enough to record all the details. Yet now as an adult I truly believe in the healing power of journaling.

I may think that I have to do A, B and C… before I can take off some time and start enjoying my life. Unfortunately, for most people this time never comes. When you are finished with A, B and C – D, E and F will already be on your mind and it will continue like that until the end of your life. 

The moment to enjoy my life is NOW! If I can’t enjoy what I’m doing, I find something else and do something different. My best friend say to me “If you like what you are doing, but you are stressed out, slow down, take some breaks, recharge your batteries, disconnect completely”…quite simple right?

I Thought Life is meant to be enjoyed. I Take some time to live and breathe. I always Lean back and relax, at least every now and then…Yeah Happiness is always with me and I can access it anytime – even if  I’m deeply depressed. However, if I keep looking in the wrong direction I simply won’t be able to feel and experience happiness in my life. From now on, focus and put my mind only on those things I really want and stop occupying my mind with those things that worry me and I no longer want …Hmm 2013 has probably been the best year of my life. It’s all down hill from now on!

Image by © Gabriela Herman
Image by © Gabriela Herman

I can’t possibly describe how much that goal-setting has changed my life in 2013.

Now that we are about to enter 2014, this is the perfect time to set goals. The start of the New Year brings the start of another year of possibility. The start of the New Year brings the opportunity to create and shape the next 12 months for you to do whatever it is you want to do.

I am looking forward to 2014. I know what I want but I have just got to stick with the plan and make things happen and not fall into the trap of letting others affect me. It is going to be tough and a huge challenge but I want to win it big time.

Let’s make sure this year’s resolutions don’t end up in next year’s bucket 🙂


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